What If?

I was lying in bed this morning reflecting on a post I've seen copied and pasted by several of my friends on Facebook.

‎7yrs old: Mom I love you. 10 yrs old: Mom whatever. 16 yrs old: OMG my mom is so annoying. 18 yrs old: I wanna leave this house. 25 yrs old: Mom, you were right. 30 yrs old: I wanna go back to my mom's house. 50 yrs old: I don"t wanna lose my mom. 70 yrs old: I would give up everything for my mom to be here with me.

Well I'm in my thirties and my mom has been gone for over ten years now and I have still gone through the "mom was right" stages but without the ability to tell her. That is actually the part that I am most sad about.

This train of thought led me to look at myself now and wonder what I would give up to have my mom here with me. I would truly love to have her here, as well as the other family members that are still deeply embedded in my heart but no longer my life. What if none of the sicknesses and diseases had happened? What would my life be like right now and what would I be like?

It made me wonder if I would have the beautiful marriage that I have right now. Would what started out as a sometimes rocky relationship have blossomed into the oneness that we have come to? Without all of the tragedies would I have learned to turn to my husband, lean on his capable shoulders and truly understand the depth of his love for me?

If my mother, aunt, and grandparents were still here would I be the mother that I am today? Would I know to cling to their every smile and quirk and appreciate the fleeting moments? Would I even understand that everything in life truly turns out to be fleeting? Would I have relied on my elders for wisdom and help rather than just looking at my children and doing my best to meet their individual needs?

I would truly give anything to have a moment with all of them so that I could tell them the things that I wasn't mature enough to say when they were here, especially when I would fight the reality of their passing up until they were gone. I was so sure there would be some miracle at the end or that maybe the doctors were wrong, that I didn't lay out all that I felt. I hope to never make that same mistake again. I am really grateful for the person they helped me to be through their love and faith in me as I grew up and the lessons that have shaped who I am today through their deaths.

"What if?" It is a question that is interesting to ask yourself about things that could have happened to avoid bad luck or tragedies but the reality of it is that bad luck and tragedies make us appreciate the things that actually go right. I love and miss my family with every breath that I take but the course of despair has actually taught me more about the purity of love and family than I could have learned any other way. I think that instead of asking "What if?", I will start to focus on "What's next?"