I heard a knock on the door and go out to balcony to explain to my visitors that I had been home from work with the flu and that in consideration for their health, that it would be a bad idea for me to visit today. They are nodding and smiling in understanding when Sydney comes along and says this...
"When I told you last time that my dad was sleepy, it was a lie. He told me to."
That was one of those moments where I would like to be that mom from "The Incredibles" and stretch down to where she was prancing around dropping bombs and grab her by her evil wee neck! I just talked through it and left it because well, what do you say to that? I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to her about that kind of situation without involving too many curse words and threats of bodily harm.
The reason they were at my door coming for a visit is because I am a member of their church. I am not a "good" member in the sense that I do not attend and well, I like coffee, and tea, oh, and I drink very occasionally. I abstained from these things for quite awhile while attending church regularly and doing all of my churchly duties. Then one day around the time that I lost my Aunt Lindee, I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was too tired, felt like I had no more to give and was hopeful that the Lord would love me as I stood. Tired. Angry. Broken.
This was about four years ago and since then I went a handful of times in Arizona, but never again was able to regain the passion and commitment that I once had. Some of this is because I have never regained the person that I was before the people that laid the foundation of me were taken. I have nobody to look at my children and compare their antics with my own, or anyone to see my antics of today and know their origin and just my general history.
I feel like the person I am can never again come near to being the person that I was and I don't feel like I can go back to being that churchgoing Mormon girl again. First of all, I am a stinkin' liberal which does not generally fly, and it's not that I don't believe in it, but that I believe in so many other things as well. Without going into the list of what I believe, I can simply say that I feel like there is so much truth in so many things, that I can never sit through a lesson again about the "only truth" without raising my hand to feverishly object. I love the LDS church and many of the people in it but in groups I just feel differently now about how I fit with them. And I don't doubt that they would still love and tolerate me but I just don't have the dang energy. So I put off the real discussion with the nice young boys about the why's and such of my non-attendance because I look at their fresh, devout little faces and can't imagine that they would ever understand how it would be to have things as simple as doing callings, family home evenings, or three hours every Sunday be enough to throw you off of the sheer cliff you've been clinging to.
At least Sydney cleansed her soul of her little lie on her father's behalf! God bless her!
3 comments:
I could have wrote that post myself. Thanks for saying what I haven't had the chance to explain myself.
You must be a really special person to have to have gone through all of that. I am sorry for your loss(es) and I completely understand where you are coming from. :) MWA!
I remember the holiday when I was discussing 'our' house and Gpa/Gma Schouten were there. We weren't married yet, and apparently the 'family' had decided to keep it a secret from the g-parents that we were living together and never mentioned it to me (Chad knew). Can you picture it? I was all irritated with the lie... One of the many moments that labeled me as the outcast!
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