The Things Wee People Say...

People judge you every day. They judge you by your appearance, the car you drive, where you live, and I hope, against all hope that they don't judge me by the things that come out of the mouths of my children. Sometimes the things they say make me raise my eyebrows and my mouth to form a perfectly surprised "O".

Please don't judge me for the tales I'm about to share. I only share them because I know (hope) that someday my children will read this and know what they did to me. I don't feel that they will truly appreciate it though until they have children of their own to give them the same kind of love (aggravation) that I have experienced.

I am forever lecturing Jack about the things he says to/around the children. They are impressionable you know? One of his favorite names to call people on his list of "Individuals Too Stupid To Live", (which is most everyone in his opinion) is Douche Bag. Just the word on its own probably leads you to imagine any number of situations, but the real story is more inappropriate/hilarious/embarrassing than I would have ever imagined!

The Setting: Jack, I, and the girls were at a local Blockbuster looking along the new release wall with my brother and his wife. The girls were frolicking around and there were a few other people milling about.

Me: Where the heck did Sydney wander off to?

Jack: I don't know... Mel! Go find your sister!

Sydney: I'm back here Douche Bag!!!!

Group: Stunned silence followed by muffled snickers from loitering strangers.

She did not say it in a conversational tone, no, she. yelled. it. It was one of those situations where I didn't address the child with my wrath, but immediately turned my flame throwing gaze to my dear husband saying, "You did this!"

The other day we were hustling to get ready for Jack's family Christmas event and I was trying to do Melanie's hair to the tune of Doodles screaming at the top of her lungs over anything and everything that went wrong with her world. Randomly, Mel walked away while I reached for something. Totally annoyed I yell for her to get her a$$ back in there so we could get going! I get no response, so I yell for her again! Ready to go on a killing spree, I turn around and she comes back all nonchalant without an explanation like she hadn't been screwing around while I waited for her with a flatiron. As I grab a piece of her hair and get back to work, I look over and Doodles is standing there with tears welled up in her eyes and a large piece of duct tape across her mouth. Yes, duct tape. Mel says nothing and stands there ignoring the situation like no big.

Me: Uh, Mel, ummm.... Do you really think that taping her mouth shut was the best idea?

Mel: Oh she's fine. It's just duct tape.

Doodles promptly ran downstairs to Jack who coddled her and acted appropriately ashamed of the situation. Had I done something that fun and diabolical to my brother as a kid, I would have been snorting and stifling giggles behind my hand, but my child just sits there bland like "what?" I don't know if I shoulda hi-fived her or fretted about her moral compass. I lean toward the hi-five, but then I don't know if my moral compass points due north either because if I'm being honest with myself, deep down, I wish that I had the courage to tape her mouth shut more often!