Tales From the Shortbus

Thinking about my aunt one day caused my thoughts to drift to her oldest spawn, Eric. My mind lightly touched on various related topics until I remembered an incident that happened to him, and it got me thinking about it in a new light. Sometimes when things happen we think, "How weird!", but then if you really think about it, it may not have been weird. Most things in my life that I come across, I realize that someone, sometime, somewhere in present or past, has likely had the same incident or thought. It's hard to be exclusive and completely unique in this world with all of the billions of people that have come through it. These thoughts were swirling around in my head along with the Eric Incident that had come to my mind, when I realized that he may have done something that was truly unique in this world. That's not to say that it was something that anyone would want to do, have done to them, would even occur to someone to do, or is monumental in its significance, but I'm just saying it was unique. And stupid. And sooo Eric.



So here goes: Once upon a time there was an idiot with some seriously ferocious breath. This may have something to do with his extreme dentist phobia. With Valium, and a few well placed threats his mother and I got him in for a cleaning, and after an hour, lots of crying and drama, they got half of his bottom teeth done. I digress. Anyway... to help him, Lindee bought him lots of gum and Altoids. I truly don't know how people could even deal with those things! Just thinking of them makes my mouth hurt. That kid popped those like candy and it never failed to amaze me. One special day, this very special boy had about six or seven of them held loosely in his hand while he was walking through the halls of his high school on his way to class. He went to pop one of them into his mouth and at the same time someone bumped into him causing all of them to get tossed down his throat where they all got caught. He came home from school because his throat was killing him. Since Lin didn't drive, we ended up seeking medical attention. The diagnosis was that he had managed to burn some sort of hole in his esophagus when they all got stuck. My thought: Who freakin' does this? Seriously? Altoids? I hazard to guess that no other dipsh*t in the world has managed to burn a hole in their esophagus with Altoids. That's why he's extra "special" in my book!



I'd also like to share another tale about this dear, retarded cousin of mine that has become legendary in my family and always brings a laugh. My grandparents reserved a section of their favorite steakhouse for their anniversary, and it was my grandparents, their kids, and us, the younger generation. Eric was in high school and was proudly displaying his manliness through his first pubescent facial hair. You know, that baby fine stuff that you can totally see through because it's just not meant to be full? Anyway, my brother, Jack, my other cousins and I were pitching him crap about the fuzz on his face when he got this supreme look on his face and while twirling his farce of a mustache, says, "It's my Latino look." (he's Italian, and he likely meant Italiano, or something stupid like that) Just then the chatter sort of quieted down as I blurted out loudly with my You Are Soo Ridiculous Look, (many of you know the one) and said, "You want to be a Mexican?" The supreme look was quickly replaced with confusion as the entire room busted up. Classic. He is definitely one of the most "special" people I know, and I could probably fill a book with all the notably stupid things that he has done. What this means is that you may not have heard the last Tale From the Shortbus.
See what I mean?