Sleep Disorder

I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I have a new love for eCards, right? Also asking "right?" all the time is my other new and favorite irritating habit.  Ask Jack. Well, and everyone else that has to listen to me.  You guys would agree, right?! HELLO... Hello... hellooo... Who am I kidding? Nobody listens to me! 

I felt like this eCard is representative of my combination problems of ADD and insomnia.  It's seriously problematic.  It's also why I suck at meditating and find myself seeking a glass of wine to chill out since I can't sit still long enough, and stay focused long enough to find peace via meditation.  This is why I have to be funny!  If I didn't find humor in my daily bullshit life, I would have to be institutionalized.  

School started again today.  Didn't even need the paper bag, but I must confess that I indulged in wine tonight, though not as much as I predicted I would need to keep me from losing it when faced with a predictable future of sleepless nights hunched over my keyboard, cursing my stupidity for signing up for school again in the first place.  

Incidentally I did learn some things today.  I learned about how disgusting war is and that in the end there are no "good guys" or "bad guys", and the "why's/wherefore's" don't matter, and that in the end, there are only dead guys.  Lots of them.  I also learned, to my surprise, that even in grad school there is always that one person in class that every time they talk, everyone else looks to each other and tries to think nice thoughts, despite the desperate yearning to roll our eyes into the back of our heads, because, well... We are studying peace after all.

Yeah, peace out, bitches! *Insert peace sign with eye roll* Cuz I can.

Life Unplugged

It has been 25 hours and 11 minutes since I had an operational phone.  I don't know if I will be able to survive this.  I'm drowning in a pit of despair, lonely for all of my friends... Now I actually have to pay attention to what's going on around me.

Like my kids.

 And my housework.

 Reality is just so hard.  No more Whirly Word, Facebook, Instagram, or texting rage faces or memes to entertain me in my waking hours! What will I doooooo???!!

It is currently buried in its ricey grave, hopefully to be resurrected soon.  I don't care that it will be a zombie phone! I just want it to live!

RIP my dear... You will be forever in my heart... *sob*

New Beginnings

And here we are again... As I read over my blog, I see points where my diligence and motivation to maintain any kind of record of my family fun/chaos/mayhem/bullshit, fall off from time-to-time, and I begin again with a post about some new-found second wind and promise to be better. So now I know that I'm totally gonna drop off the face of the blog-o-sphere at some point again when the metaphorical shit hits the metaphorical fan, or in my world, not as metaphorical as I would like, and more likely to be a weed-eater than a fan, but the point is, I ramble too much that I'm totally cool with that! I'm working on my ability to love and forgive myself and all that shit.

My recent slackerdom is related to spending the last two+ years in hell school.  Almost three months from the graduation ceremony, I still can't sleep like a normal person at night and the thought of writing an essay has me reaching for a paper bag while I calculate how many bottles of wine it will take to put me back in my happy place.

Grad school starts in three weeks.

I'm not sure that my body can hold enough wine to help me cope with that.  Every minute of every day, I coach myself through the "why's" and "why not's" of my decision to continue, and continue, and continue my education. Some moments I come up with something brilliant and inspirational, but other times I imagine myself actually melting into a pool of insanity, where I can fantasize about the nature of bubbles and leprechauns and republicans and all kinds of other shit I don't understand.

Recently, a relative, (you know who you are) reminded me that I even had this little 'ol blog. I looked it up and remembered how fun it could be to write my random tales.  I'm thinking it's time to dust the cobwebs outta my overtaxed brain and play for awhile.  At least until grad school starts. Or doesn't. Or does. Or doesn't.

My sanity is definitely one of the great unknowns.

I also have a new love for e-cards.  I will likely post many of them.  If I post anything at all.

Why did I not think of this?  I would own that program.  I would own it without the paper bag, and the wine would only help sharpen my skills.  But in the end- reality sucks, so I can only practice my sarcasm on the poor lucky bastards that have to put up with me all the time.  

Cheers!

What If?

I was lying in bed this morning reflecting on a post I've seen copied and pasted by several of my friends on Facebook.

‎7yrs old: Mom I love you. 10 yrs old: Mom whatever. 16 yrs old: OMG my mom is so annoying. 18 yrs old: I wanna leave this house. 25 yrs old: Mom, you were right. 30 yrs old: I wanna go back to my mom's house. 50 yrs old: I don"t wanna lose my mom. 70 yrs old: I would give up everything for my mom to be here with me.

Well I'm in my thirties and my mom has been gone for over ten years now and I have still gone through the "mom was right" stages but without the ability to tell her. That is actually the part that I am most sad about.

This train of thought led me to look at myself now and wonder what I would give up to have my mom here with me. I would truly love to have her here, as well as the other family members that are still deeply embedded in my heart but no longer my life. What if none of the sicknesses and diseases had happened? What would my life be like right now and what would I be like?

It made me wonder if I would have the beautiful marriage that I have right now. Would what started out as a sometimes rocky relationship have blossomed into the oneness that we have come to? Without all of the tragedies would I have learned to turn to my husband, lean on his capable shoulders and truly understand the depth of his love for me?

If my mother, aunt, and grandparents were still here would I be the mother that I am today? Would I know to cling to their every smile and quirk and appreciate the fleeting moments? Would I even understand that everything in life truly turns out to be fleeting? Would I have relied on my elders for wisdom and help rather than just looking at my children and doing my best to meet their individual needs?

I would truly give anything to have a moment with all of them so that I could tell them the things that I wasn't mature enough to say when they were here, especially when I would fight the reality of their passing up until they were gone. I was so sure there would be some miracle at the end or that maybe the doctors were wrong, that I didn't lay out all that I felt. I hope to never make that same mistake again. I am really grateful for the person they helped me to be through their love and faith in me as I grew up and the lessons that have shaped who I am today through their deaths.

"What if?" It is a question that is interesting to ask yourself about things that could have happened to avoid bad luck or tragedies but the reality of it is that bad luck and tragedies make us appreciate the things that actually go right. I love and miss my family with every breath that I take but the course of despair has actually taught me more about the purity of love and family than I could have learned any other way. I think that instead of asking "What if?", I will start to focus on "What's next?"

Crackcakes

I sometimes feel like my life is just a series of ridiculous situations strung together to create a tableau. One that can make you laugh and cry all at the same time.

Back on Valentine's Day weekend I had a wild hair up my ass to redo the girls' room. Melanie was to move to the downstairs room by herself and I was putting the younger two with bunks in their room and adding some bright paint hoping that it would be distracting enough to help me not notice the perpetual and varying states of disaster their room is usually in.

On Sunday I was still trying to finish so my dear, sweet, and now that I look back on it, EVIL sister in law took all three kids for the day so that I could move their furniture around and paint the room "cantaloupe". Random color I know. As it turned out, Jack was whining about the runny paint and had me return it which was a joy since they don't return paint that has been tinted. The explanation that I gave them was that my husband described it as "runny and some other things peppered with the eff word". They gave me my money back and I planned on grabbing the kids and stopping by Home Depot to get a different brand.

When I picked the kids up they were bouncing around telling me how much fun they had making cupcakes and eating candy and playing with the dogs and, and, and... I was thrilled that they had such a good time until we got to Home Depot. I gave them the customary lecture before we got out of the car, "If you don't behave in here I swear I will make you pay... blah... kick your... blah... " It apparently had no impact.

While selecting paint colors they were wrestling each other to the ground, chasing up and down the aisles, shouting, laughing like crazed lunatics... wait, that might have been me shortly before I really freaked out. Anyway, I was standing in line trying to hold on to Doodles as she attempted to jerk my arm out of the socket by running from one side of me to the other while alternately laughing, screaming and crying. It was the worst I had ever seen them. I was dying.

Just then I glanced up to see a gentleman just staring sympathetically at me. He had three children of ages that may have been similar to my own. He simply said, "My kids are always like that when I pick them up from from my sister in law's." Ironic eh? I told him so. He looked me in the eye and said, "I will pray for you."

I just left that at a "thank you" but I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. How frickin' hilarious is it that my kids make complete strangers feel the need to pray for me? Alternately, how sad is that? In defense, this situation is waaaaay worse than average but dang, it. was. crazy!!!

I got the evil people strapped into the car about the time that Doodles was earnestly starting her crying meltdown. I then got in the driver's seat and promptly sent my sister in law a text message.

"Thanks for feeding them the crackcakes."

FML

So about five short minutes ago my middle devil Sydney threw Jack under the bus so hard that I was stunned as were the Mormon missionaries and the Elders Quorum President that were in attendance for the show. Here's how it went:

I heard a knock on the door and go out to balcony to explain to my visitors that I had been home from work with the flu and that in consideration for their health, that it would be a bad idea for me to visit today. They are nodding and smiling in understanding when Sydney comes along and says this...

"When I told you last time that my dad was sleepy, it was a lie. He told me to."

That was one of those moments where I would like to be that mom from "The Incredibles" and stretch down to where she was prancing around dropping bombs and grab her by her evil wee neck! I just talked through it and left it because well, what do you say to that? I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to her about that kind of situation without involving too many curse words and threats of bodily harm.

The reason they were at my door coming for a visit is because I am a member of their church. I am not a "good" member in the sense that I do not attend and well, I like coffee, and tea, oh, and I drink very occasionally. I abstained from these things for quite awhile while attending church regularly and doing all of my churchly duties. Then one day around the time that I lost my Aunt Lindee, I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was too tired, felt like I had no more to give and was hopeful that the Lord would love me as I stood. Tired. Angry. Broken.

This was about four years ago and since then I went a handful of times in Arizona, but never again was able to regain the passion and commitment that I once had. Some of this is because I have never regained the person that I was before the people that laid the foundation of me were taken. I have nobody to look at my children and compare their antics with my own, or anyone to see my antics of today and know their origin and just my general history.

I feel like the person I am can never again come near to being the person that I was and I don't feel like I can go back to being that churchgoing Mormon girl again. First of all, I am a stinkin' liberal which does not generally fly, and it's not that I don't believe in it, but that I believe in so many other things as well. Without going into the list of what I believe, I can simply say that I feel like there is so much truth in so many things, that I can never sit through a lesson again about the "only truth" without raising my hand to feverishly object. I love the LDS church and many of the people in it but in groups I just feel differently now about how I fit with them. And I don't doubt that they would still love and tolerate me but I just don't have the dang energy. So I put off the real discussion with the nice young boys about the why's and such of my non-attendance because I look at their fresh, devout little faces and can't imagine that they would ever understand how it would be to have things as simple as doing callings, family home evenings, or three hours every Sunday be enough to throw you off of the sheer cliff you've been clinging to.

At least Sydney cleansed her soul of her little lie on her father's behalf! God bless her!

For The Love Of Jared Leto

This is a horrible picture, but I swear this guy is h-h-hot!! It's just hard to be a professional-like photographer when you are using your phone and being shoved on all sides.

I wanna squeal like a teenage girl at a Jonas Brother's concert when I think about the 30 Seconds to Mars concert I went to the other night! I was so excited to get tickets and go see them again! I saw them a couple years ago in Glendale AZ and loved the show, but this one was way cooler for me. The last one was at a huge venue and this one was considerably smaller and I decided that I wanted to be on the floor immersed with the other starstruck fans. I had watched excitedly and had a bird's eye view the last time and this time I wanted to experience the chaos of it. The whole time Jack muttered that we should be up top, and I would roll my eyes and go back to screaming and jumping like a super freak.

The only really annoying part were the girls that would try to shove in front of me like I wouldn't notice that someone was practically stepping on me and pushing me out of the way since there was so much room and all. Even make up flimsy stories, like my boyfriend is up there. "Whateva biatches, mine too, and his name is Jared." Psht. I'd give them the "you've got to be shittin' me" look I practice on my kids all the time and pointedly resumed taking up all of the non-space I had previously. As if...

All in all it was a great night and I got myself a new t-shirt so that I can retire the old one before it becomes any more threadbare!