Creatures Great and Small

God may love all creatures great and small, but I. Do. Not. That may be one of the reasons I have some odds of going to hell for, but there are just some opinions that I will not waver on. I can honestly say at this point that there are some creatures that I would be perfectly happy if they did not exist. Now I know that there are plenty of really smart people that could come up with some really smart opinions about the ramifications of exterminating links in the circle of life and all that, but you know what? I don't care. I don't. I won't apologize either.

We have been in Arizona now for over two years and haven't had any problems with critters. That is until we moved to beautiful Sierra Vista. It seems crazy to me that a place that has such moderate year round temperatures, and breathtaking views should be infested with pesky and sometimes deadly creatures. It's the dark underbelly of the region. We found out quick, fast, and in a hurry why you shouldn't go out in nature here without titanium boots that go up to your hips.

Who would think that these mountains harbor death? Me. Yes, I do.

I'll start discussing the pests that I have had issues with in order from smallest to biggest. These little bastages are the current bane of my existence. When we moved in this place they warned us that the only critters we would have to worry about would be some ants. Ok, so I'm better with them than the other things I've experienced since we've moved here, but I still cannot figure out how I can kill thousands and then find thousands more next time I turn around! They are more annoying than anything, but so is PMS, and who doesn't want that to be exterminated?

So this picture was taken with our own camera. These are probably up there with the least harmful critters if you don't mess with them, but hello!!! Giant spiders??? *full body shiver*

This creature? This one right here? Yeah. This one can go straight to hell in my opinion. This one caused me to have a helluva bad day. The day had started out innocuous enough, with me doing laundry in my flannel boxers and a tank top all day. Just as I was hanging up the last of the ironing and thinking about a hot shower I decided to bend down and straighten the shoes in the closet. I was being a bit of a freak, but normally that would be a good thing! Anyway, I stepped down only to find myself hopping around yelling S.O.B (!!!! -in the expanded form) over and over. I leaned over to see what the heck I stepped on and saw this little bastage run into my closet. Then I didn't know what to do so I called the neighbor guy.

Me- "Hi! I was just wondering what people do when they get stung by scorpions?"

Him- "Were you stung by a scorpion?"

Me- "YES!"

Him- "Did you kill it?"

Me- "NO! It ran into the damn closet!"

Him- "I'm coming over."

To make an annoying story short, he noticed I was a bit shakey and neither of us had gotten through when calling Jack, so next thing I knew, I had six firefighters in my living room (still in ghetto clothes mind you) hooking me up to machines and inspecting my TOE! Very bad. Some people said that they had heard that it feels a bit like a bee sting, and I have to say that no it doesn't. Not unless bees have effin' tasers attached to their asses! Yeah. Tasers.

All in all though, I have to say that the multitude of rattlesnakes was the deciding factor about leading an idyllic country life. Not just any rattlesnakes either. The Mojave Rattlesnake happens to be much more deadly than the average. So I have been told. The first night in town there was a baby one at the front door, and it only went downhill from there. One night we heard the guard dog barking a fearsome bark on our front porch and when Jack cracked open the door all we could hear was rattling. Again, the lucky neighbor guy got called and he came over and shot it four times (!!!) and the thing was still alive and madder than ever! He then beat it to death with my broom. It was like three and a half feet long and headed right to my front door. Those were just the ones that we saw. There were several dispatched when we weren't around. And here's what makes me laugh! Apparently there is some law or regulation here that says that you are not supposed to kill the snakes. So if a person came into your house to kill you and you killed them instead it's ok, but let us not kill the poor little snakes? Seriously? If it's me or the snake, that mutha effer is going down!!

So ends the Country Murray's. The city has never felt better! (safer) Bring on the crackheads!